if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
