She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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