So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
