Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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