I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
