we have pet lesbian snakes
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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