your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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