If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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