If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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