Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
