there's paper in my vomit.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
