Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
