i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
