I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
