he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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