I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
