Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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