First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
