we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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