mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
