this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
