i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
