I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
