I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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