Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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