East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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