Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
