so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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