she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
