Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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