My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
