Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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