How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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