Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
