I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
