I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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