"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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