He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
