The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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