Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
