After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
