I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
