Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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