she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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