a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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