What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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