Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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