I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
