I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
