good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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