When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
