There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
