I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
