I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
