Where is the hickey?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
