thus making me awesome and them whores
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
