I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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